It's about nothing.....

NOTE: If you are actually reading this, please stop now….you’ll find nothing in here…pick your nose instead, you’ll find better things….

It’s been really looooooong I threw something in my lil trash here….I can’t say I had one of those “Writer’s  Block”, coz for that you need to be out  of new thoughts and u need to be a writer...I am no writer, and thinking is the only thing I do lately.

I’m having one of my good old Heavy electronics text moment now…I’m dying to GET OUT, and go for a walk or ride on my bike…But, fortunately, I managed to dislocate my shoulder  last day and going for a ride at 2 in the morning with slinged hand doesn’t seem  so welcoming. So here I’m sticking onto my bed...and here you are (if you are still reading), stuck with my trash.

I feel so numb at heart, you know doesn’t feel like doing anything…It’s very frustrating,  when you don’t feel like doing things that you once did so happily…As a matter of fact it’s been really long I met with happiness….I don’t quite remember the last time I laughed...

There are people dying every second of cancer....half a million homeless….even more without food, and I’m moaning here for not remembering my last laugh…WTF rite…

I’ll tell ya a story…Once, when I was a lil boy (well even littler than now), I kept this cat as my pet…I don’t quite remember the name I used to call him…I’ve been always bad at remembering names and dates…I used to take him everywhere I went…used to play with him…was with me all the time…he even curled around near my pillow while at night…and purred till dawn...One day, the neighbor’s kid came home and gave him some milk….The bowl was outside and the poor thing was finding it hard to keep up with hot sunny weather..so I went to move his bowl inside to the shade, but then, he growled and scratched my hand, when I again went near him…he pounded and bit me on my wrist….It started bleeding, and I was rushed to small dispensary nearby…when I came back home I saw him playing with the other kid…He never came back home…and soon, was out of the neighborhood.

I was really hurt that day, in every sense…for a 6 year old…who doesn’t even know the existence of a word ‘trust’ or ‘love’…it was a deep slash right across…

Even today, after realizing and understanding the instincts and behavior of a cat…I get this heaviness and tendency to stay away from cats…

You mite be wondering, why I told you this story…Well, keep wondering…I told you to go pick your nose, you didn’t listen….Anyway stay away from cats…the world is flooding with those….

It’s really sad and depressing that ppl tend to tie their happiness to something or someone….and that becomes their sole source of happiness….and by the time they realize their mistake, time would have done enough damage…..

I believe one need to be happy about oneself first….but, HOW ???

Stephen Hawkings, once said, When god gifted him Complete Paralysis, he dropped all his expectations to zero…now he is always happy…Even the smell of lil rose bud, carves a smile on his face….

Expect NOTHING…then ANYTHING will start to mean EVERYTHING…….

I’m gonna crash for the nite…..for those who didn’t picked their nose…and read my trash with no expectation…way to go…you’ll find happiness in every nook…;-)

Ba bye….

#minipost

Shhhhhh........

   "   It hurts, when words reaches places, it shouldn't have....
              hurts more when it never reach the right alcove...

     
        It pains, when, there is just this dumb silence to say...
              and it kills when this silence never gets a 'hey'... 
      
       I know this almost made you throw up.....
           I don't care, have no job, I'm not gonna shut up...;)  "
    

last wrinkled words.....

Dear,

I’m not even sure, this letter would ever reach you…Since you are reading it…I’m happy I got a word with you…Please don’t let Dan read this now…He may not take it well…Give it to him, when time is right…

There’s only less than hundred men left in my infantry...We are loosing it.

I just want to apologize…I’m sorry for leaving you, with the baby coming and all…but I’ve my orders, sweet...And I hope, I get to see her…I’m sure she’s having your beautiful blue eyes…If I didn’t get the chance, tell her, I loved her…I miss everything about her…I miss her sweet baby smell, I miss her soft nudge and tight grip of her little fingers.. I miss her giggles, for my magic tricks, that I could never surprise her with…I miss her first walk…first day at school…I miss…

I f she ever misses me… asks for me…just ask her, to look at the sky at night…I’ll be there…winking right at her…don’t forget to smile back dear…

And Dan, I’m a proud father son…You have a good heart and a brave soul…take care of your mom and sister son...I love you…

Tonight, after you cover him up under his blanket…just kiss him for me, dear...

I’m writing this from my muddy trench. Don’t tell mom this, she would start shouting for not cleaning up my place now…Give her my hugs…And tell her, that I did steal her necklace during high school. It’s in my small chest, at the attic...

And dad, I just realized, how much I love you…I’ve always respected you…I never knew how to show it dad…Sorry for being so mulish and for joining the marine against your wish…I would make you proud one day dad…I promise…

And, honey, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it…and for leaving you alone…I will miss all those waltz we played in the rain…I’ll miss your yellow skirts you wear all the time…

I’ll miss your beautiful smile

I’m sorry...I’m on my last matchstick and it’s raining heavy…I’ll complete this letter soon…miss you…

I will…

A walk....

I have these moments, when I feel so heavy at heart…like 10 copies of that big fat book of electronics piled up on my chest…..I feel sad…a bit depressed...but have no idea Why??…

I got a chance to enjoy one of these rare moments lately….It was an evening after class…it was one of those summer evenings….long and warm…And I thought of going for an evening walk to lighten up…As always I grabbed my walkman phone and earplugs…made my playlist…all the usuals were there…Don’t leave home(Dido),Snow patrol collections, John Denver, some blues from Gary Jules, and of course Sona’s Abhi nahi aana and a lot more picks from that serene genre…

This walk was not meant to find out why were those heavy electronics books kept there…or why I’m sad…or to get self enlightened...It meant nothing…. (Well most of things I do means nothing...I just do meaningless things)...I just wanted to spend some quality time with myself…. (Well I do that occasionally ;) …this time I thought of walking, for a change)

I closed the doors….kept the keys in my torn out shoe outside (for the burglars and thieves reading this post, we changed the place where we keep the keys…But you will find nothing anyway….except for some clothes which you won’t dare to go near anyway, and few of our underwear….Please don’t take those…that would be an act of extreme cruelty)

Play….

Don’t leave home-Dido

The first five minutes of my walk went sleepwalking with Dido…the song really sets your mood…I get all these memories of my first year days, (mainly chapters from boys' hostel)….coz tats when I bought my walkman and this song was the only song saved in it….Yeah…I know…silly reason…but still...it do open up my mind to those good old memoirs…You know…getting stripped by seniors, Monday morning fights for the bathrooms and finally settling for a shower at the wash…All the graffiti works on toilet walls…I’ll quote some masterpieces…

”Shake well after use…”

“The future of world is in your hand….”

“Thy shall fight till de last drop…go warrior…”

Such, classic literature....Kids should be taught these at school…seriously. . .

Hero-Enrique

The street was packed with kids, running back to their homes….or play ground or where ever they go these days…I saw this little boy, trying impress his girl folks, making a rainbow with the water in his bottle, spraying it, in the correct angles with the dusky rays…He did it with such great concentration…biting his lower lips…trying to get the right angle.. .Well he made it….Star of the evening…but he ran out of water soon…and then, this one girl, came hopping to him from the crowd, with her filled up bottle…He smiled at her and gave her the most beautiful seven colors of that eve….

Clocks- Coldplay

Saw these ants marching one after the other…the funny part is…well not the funny side…sad side (a bit funny too), they were walking towards some dried leaves, set on fire….Some of ‘em were even fighting one another to get to the fire….Ignorance is certainly such a bliss…even death seems so attractive…I’m sure when we were kids and when we didn’t know death or life…or anything for that matter, the way we saw everything would have been so beautiful…And later some stupid guy would have given us this lecture on life and death…how we die and don’t see them after death…all these craps literally killed the curious happy little kid in us….One should never grow up…and one day, when you have a kid, please don’t install your service pack of life into him...and cage his imagination for ever….and keep him far away form the so called “grown ups”.

Paper planes- MIA

“MOOOO…….” “MOOOOO…..”
The cow tied tight to the electric post, near the tea shop, was getting all frustrated. The street lamps on the post were left lit…but don’t worry, it would soon go out once it’s dark…. (KSEB rocks…) I stopped for a tea.

The cow brought back the memory of this stupid talk on “COW”, that I gave lately on the New Year night…you know…I was in an excited state of mind…it was one of those ”GREEN GRASS...Blue sky…in this beautiful world” moment…(courtesy: Vodafone)Well to really enjoy this, you need to shoot up from your ground states…

You know I felt really sad for cows that night , I don’t remember why (Dry beef fry was the touchings, may be that’s why)…Well, for the girl folks especially, just think yourself in the cow’s shoe.Every morning some unknown, moron looking guy, complete stranger, comes to you, and you are all tied up and helpless…and do things, you know, really immoral things, that can get that guy into jail if you were human…

I mean, you are human now…but you know, imagining that u r not…
You get my point right…

And it’s even more depressing if you are a married cow….Your husband bull has to helplessly watch his wife being brutally molested, every single morning right in front of his eyes. And he can do nothing about it…

And when your son come running to you for his breakfast milk….u have to say, with tears.. .
”Son, the store is closed today….no milk”

And when he says, ”mom, I want to be just like dad”…and she has to mutely nod for it…smelling her hus, getting cooked up in the oven in the kitchen, at the very moment….and thinking to herself, that one day her son would get placed, in the same firm....

Man…it so sad…I pledge, I ‘m a vegetarian from now on….cross my heart….

I stepped out of the shop….”PLUCK…”…shit...I stepped on that stupid cow’s dung…
I’m back to non-veg again….

Abhi nahi aana- Sona

This song sets a different mood…a special one…that of a sweet sad pain….It’s again my ignorance that gifted me this mood…I’m not that good with Hindi…and what I understood from the lyrics was really flavored with that feel…And the rhythm, the strings, finger snaps…all adds to the taste…and please don’t correct me if I’m wrong….

I felt the song was the last few words of some girl…to her lover…who didn’t come to her when she was desperately waiting for him….and now, it’s too late….No use coming now…But she is not sad...In between the lines we get a feel, that she is smiling…but…may be with wet eyes…we don’t know…He didn’t come, when her door was wide open for him. Now, it is too late. She can’t open the door, if he knocks…If he shouts…she can’t give back a word…..
The song ends with her giggles…in an incomplete note....leaving so much untold…..

ps: shilpa, thanks for this song buddy....i owe you a song.......;)

Home sweet home…I reached back….It was really a nice walk…..I’m looking forward for the next “FAT Electronics text” moment ;-)

one last.......

It was an after rain….the rustic grandpa trees…swampy grass…birds hugging each other…enjoying the romance, the nature gifted them..…hiding from drizzling cold shower in their partner's wings…enjoying the first drops….in that hot summer eve….

She could almost hear the tiny chirps of her eggs…..it was about to hatch…The rain made a nice soft bed of her nest.The eggs hatched…It’s a chubby boy and a cute girl…a rain drop, fell on their tiny heads, from the leaf above…giving a quick shower to our twins…She gave both of her pebbles a tight warm hug…Then flew off to fetch some snacks for their brand new, tiny hungry tummies…..

.........…...

The Bubble Elementary School, not that far from the rain forest….The kids there could almost hear the chirping cries of the new twins in the woods…It seems the rain couldn’t reach the school…it’s still so hot…and silent.

Silence, is not the kind of adjective that should ever be used with School…It’s scary….

Could see masked men...two masks,running along the school corridors…These corridors are supposed to be echoing with laughs and sounds of running footsteps of small sneakers at this time…but now, it was empty except for a shoe left out alone, without its pair, few dots of red here and there…A five year old leg, was left hanging out of the bathroom door….Still…Dead…..

It was the III grade class room….There were four hearts beating really fast in that closed walls…That of the two masked men, wounded and two kids…twins…hostages….

She, their mother was standing outside the class room door, with few of the staffs and a few policemen….helpless.

Sweat…blood…tear, she was all washed out with these….She shouted…requesting for her sons.She pressed hard against the class room walls…but there wasn’t any answer…

After some time,what seemed like hours…they heard gun firing from the room…she went crying, running into the room….The door slammed closed behind her…and she was pushed to the to the floor from behind…She turned back to see her sons, all tied up but, alive…She got up from the floor, to reach them, but was hit back on to the floor by one of the masked man….

She noticed other one was lying on the other corner of the room, in a blood pool…dead…The masked man started firing out of the window, to the direction of forest…shrieking in agony…frustrated…and he took away the masking turban….

Long hair jumped out onto his scarred face….It was… a Woman…

She looked back at the mother….her eyes…blood red…raging in anger…She walked slowly towards the blood pool…Unmasked the other...it was a man…and gave a kiss on his forehead…and closed his dead eyes….

She then pointed the gun straight at the mother’s face and started saying something….She was trying to speak in english...

”you...America…..kill…my daughters…clothes…raped….I…kill all” ..She started firing at the forest again…out through the window…..

.........…...

One of her hot bullets hit on the barks of the dried up trees on the hill side….a spark…and a fire…a wild wire was broke open…left loose…

The hungry fire devoured half the area in a few seconds…The sound of the gun shot and sudden deadly warmth called the mother bird back to her twins…..Her eyes was all yellow and orange…the reflection of the wildfire that almost neared her first hatchlings…She hugged the crying twins tight...into her tiny wings….The fire has now started tasting her tree…her home…Her heart was cracking along with the creaking sound of the trunk breaking into halves….She clutched the wingless twins, one in each of her claws….She dropped them many times back into the nest….Finally, she got a vague grip and flew off, from her falling home… into the half eaten…burning forest…all yellow in fire…all around….

With all the smoke she couldn’t see anything….She continued flying…struggling hard to stay in air…grip slipping at every turn….The twins were getting heavy in her clutches…She couldn’t hold both of them in a tight grip…her claws started slipping…but there wasn’t any tree left were she could place one of them for a while….she was flying over sea of fire that’s reaching out it’s claws to catch her twins…

It’s too hard for her to hold both of ‘em and fly to safety….

It’s done…it’s over…….she need to take a dirty choice now….

.........…...

The lady pointed the gun at the twins…Mother cried for mercy…The lady seemed to be enjoying every drop of her useless weeps…She removed her overcoat…and revealed that she was all wired up…

After a long gap of silence…..the lady pushed the boys a bit closer to their crying mother…She wiped off her tears and came near her sons to pick them up…The lady with gun sensed her motion stood up in a swift motion and pointed the gun back at the tied up kids...

Their mother stood dead still….

The lady spoke….”pick….one…….”

She couldn’t believe her ears…

Mother asked “WHAT???...”

“Pick…..Choose one….” And then she showed the timer….00:00:59

“1 min….pick one and go….out….”

00:00:50

She looked in the blue...watery…eyes of her 5 year old sons….

“I’ve to pick one among them…? My sons? My only sons???” the question echoed in the walls of her aching heart....

00:00:45

“No time……fast…choose one or leave...”

00:00:44

All the sweet memories…Their first smile….first walk….all those peek-a-boos…first day cry at school…All flashed back like it happened just yesterday and now, has to make a decision that would leave one half of these moments, just a memory that would be so painful to cherish……

00:00:43

“PICK…………”

.........…...

Fire was getting taller and higher…and she was almost down for a crash land….

Both of them were too heavy for her to fly high….She has to drop one of them...to save the other….But the very thought tore her heart apart….it was burning hot…hotter than the forest…But she has to……

She made up her mind to do it, at the next turn…She didn’t look back at the tiny cries at her claws….The next turn was just a second apart. She took the turn…closed tight her eyes…and opened up one of her claws…she didn’t even know which one….and with the less weight of her only DAUGHTER…she flew higher…and higher…out of the forest…out of the smoke…and out of the wretched fire that made her kill, her son..

.........…...

00:00:35

“NOW……”

00:00:33

“I…I can’t…..”

00:00:30

“NOWWW”

00:00:24

Mother stood up and ran towards the lady grabbed the nearest tiny hand …turned and gave a final helpless look at the other son…tied up at the gun point..

“RUN…RUN….”

She hugged tight to her son…and ran out through the fire exit…The policemen and the rest followed her ,out of the school…….

00:00:00

One such day.....

It was about 11 at night…dad was busy revising his news paper…probably for the 12’th time…all the news was so stale…so cold by now…still he was so into it, like it was his life’s mission.

Maa was busy playing with the remote….popping in questions occasionally to the newsaholic…who would “hmm” her away…
i went near the shelf to look something. It was the photo from my bro’s marriage…it had all five of us…I really miss him…
All my life I was compared to this guy…”learn at least something from your brother…”
“Why are you hurting us like this….your brother has never disgraced us” …dad always used to tell…shout rather.

But my brother…never let me down…he always comes up with that beautiful comforting curve in his lips…and with some good reason for all my misdeeds. No wonder everyone likes him…If I have a son someday…I wish the boy to be like my brother…no headaches…lifetime happiness guaranteed….

I wiped the dust off the frame, and kept it back on the shelf…I kissed my mom a good night…and went to bed….I don’t speak to dad…not even good nights. We lost connection far before…I’m not sure if he remembers I exist….

I went to bed…it takes a lot of time for me to sleep, no matter how tired I’m….I’ve to force myself to it….All these sweet memories…well, I’m not sure if it had happened before…may be I’m imagining it ,I get these flash backs from some unwritten chapters from my past...every night before I sleep…
. . .

There’s this little me…my tiny fingers clutched tight in the hands of my dad…we are taking a walk on this road, it was dusk, I don’t know which road, with tall trees on both sides...u know the one like the Autumn wallpaper that comes with windows XP…He was doing all these childish things with me…walking me on his toes…playing airplane…and we talk for long hours….he makes me smile and surprise me with magic tricks…


I don’t know how i cooked up these thoughts…but I cherish them like some good old memories…of my life

I fell asleep…
. . .

I woke up....took a wide stretch. And a long yawn….came out of my room…Maa was leaning on to the dining table as usual, I said something like a good morning to her…

Just when she heard me, she stopped reading...I turned back to face her…she raised her head from the table…she seemed to be scared for some reason to hear my voice…I was glued to the floor at her reaction…She turned her face slowly towards me...and when she saw me, she started screaming…loud shrieks…calling dad for help…I went near her…tried to calm her down...she started to step away from me…slapping my hand off...
”Maa it’s me…it’s me..” I kept on repeating that…I didn’t even think of a day, tat I would have to say ‘this’ to my maa.

Dad came running down the stairs…he started shouting at me “WHO ARE YOU…”
“Lakshmi, WHY DID YOU OPEN DOOR FOR A STRANGER FROM THE STREET”…

Stranger ??? I didn’t understand….He came running to me…he caught me by my sleeves and pushed me hard to the shelf…I fell on to our photo…I grabbed it and showed it to them...but he still came closer...I just looked at the photo...And I couldn’t believe my eyes….I’m missing in that frame…
Dad grabbed back the photo and pushed me to door….I hit my head on the wall...but that pain was nothing….He slammed hard the front door at my face….

. . .

I woke up…it was a dream??? I was all sweaty….and panting like some mad dog just chased me .…my head ached, where it hit on the wall…it seemed so real...but why….It felt like De javu rather a dream…
I went to my bedroom door…everything felt lil different….I opened it…I saw maa…reading the news paper…I don’t know why it looked so scary. I forced a good morning out of me…it was hardly audible…she ‘hmm’ed…

OH… MAAAN, that was the most beautiful relieving “hmm” of my life….
As I was walking away I saw Maa turning towards me…and I stopped …she turned and asked...

”Who are you????”

the brighter side

Hi, beautiful morning today…so warm…smells good too. Sorry, forgot to introduce me, I’m Jess, i’m 18….I love music…listens to all kind...all day….Solo instrumentals, especially cello, brings butterflies in my stomach….absolutely adore them…

Met a girl last weekend…feb 2^nd…Rosaline...i went to the super market with my doggy boy Dan…...I fell for her instantly…quite literally…I tipped over the door step of the supermarket, and fell on her…She picked up her books or something. and held me by my arms and helped me up to get up…Her touch…so soft…so gentle..i could feel…hear…slow.. Für Elise echoing in the super market…She then came so close to my face…I could feel the warmth of her breath…She asked if I’m fine…voice...sweet as the bird that sings me to sleep every nite….far from my bedroom window….God must be a male…for sure.

We had a coffee together…and she kept on singing for me…..i was so melted in her voice…I don’t remember a word she said…don’t know if it was even English.. Usually I’m the one who never stops talking…

This one time….I was talking to a guy, Smith, at the mall…he was just listening to me…gave a “hmm” occasionally…anyway, I went on…After a while, Joe came to me and asked who am I talking to. Then I noticed Smith wasn’t there, he went far before…I was so embarrassed …then I heard this bunch of guys laughin at the nearby corner..It was Smith and his friends…I started laughing with them…Think of a guy sitting in the middle of a Mall and talking to himself….omg…I laughed all day…Funny guy Smith…Though Joe was a bit angry at him...but he calmed down fast…

Well, I’ll come back to Rosaline…She was still talking…and I enjoyed the music she’s conducting. Having no idea of the lyrics or which song even. Then she said something that brought me back to my self…”I’m leaving for Paris tomorrow” she said…I came to know that she lives there, with her friend…I smiled and kissed her hand...a good bye…

I came home….my night bird didn’t sing my lullaby that night or any night there after…busy in Paris I guess… ;)

Joe and I went for the sunset…we go there almost all evenings…I like the walk in the sand…bare foot…I like the warmth of the last few rays of the sun…it’s like the parting hands scene of an old Shakespeare play…a romantic. sad good bye to this side of earth… I like listening to children quarreling at each other for ruining their sand castles…Even, Eiffel wont be this sad and violent if his tower went down…I always join in the quarrel….and I would end up in a sand coffin these tiny evils bury me in...Joe has to drag me home every time, I don’t like leaving the beach….

Maa bought me sweater…for my b’day…a Black one…my favorite color…We had this party…I cut the cake, maa made….and gave the piece to maa…she gave me one and kissed…She had tears on her cheeks… she does that a lot....very silly…I wiped them off…and curved a wide smile on her lips…with my fingers…

There isn’t a day that I haven’t thanked the guy who dropped me into this world…the long rides with wind grazing my hair…the crisp summer air…smell of a rose…chattering rain…maa’s kiss…Joe’s pat…Dan’s sniff…children..the sunsets…Beethoven…cello…..

Man this is a beautiful world…..

Oh, I almost forgot to tell one more thing about me…I’m blind, I help in the blind school in my town…And girls, I’m not SEEing anyone now….single ;)

Luv ya all…..